I need to sleep…
I might be going on three days without sleep. I say might be because last night I just sat in my chair. I was pretty sure I wasn’t sleeping but then again maybe I was. Maybe it was a surface kind of sleep. I mean I didn’t move… thoughts were running through my head… just so much shit…
Maybe I was thinking of all I need to do or what I should have done. I get caught in these cycles where I second guess every fucking decision I’ve made in my life up to this point. It sends me down this dark hole… and then I lose track of time. Anyway when I looked at the time 4 hours had passed by somehow. Did I just sit there and zone out or did I fall asleep and dream?
I’ll be honest, some nights I’m scared to fall asleep. I’ve been seeing this recurring vision when I sleep… a man made out of black smoke… his head looks like a skull with flames on the top. He just stares at me. His presence paralyzes me. I can only move once he leaves. It’s like he’s testing me, seizing me up. I feel like prey around him… maybe it’s death seeing if I’m ready to give up. I’ve had sleep pills prescribed to me but fuck that. I don’t believe in big pharma. We have a millions of disorders that popped out of nowhere in the last 20 years. Did humanity get that messed up so quickly or are we just allowing ourselves to be drugged and remain in a morose state so we don’t have to deal with the fact that we live real pathetic inconsequential lives.
Last time I went to sleep, I felt something drag me. It dragged me down down into this pit but it wasn’t a pit made of dirty… it was something alive, organic. I could feel the slime… I could feel bones and a rib cages breathing. There was a guttural growl and I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe. I told myself it was a dream but I could feel my chest constricting in pain. I thought you can’t feel pain when you dream. The more I tried to fight and get out the harder it squeezed. I thought I was going to die. Why the hell was I released from death row just do die here in the middle of nowhere?
…Sleep where are you?
… If I die will anyone notice. Reeder brothers will but will they really care? I don’t know. I’m a project to them. They’re trying to heal me, fix me, but maybe I’m not supposed to be fixed. RJ thinks the stress of the Amnesty Project is getting to me but there’s no one else that’s willing to stick their neck out against CPD. If I don’t do it who will?
Sometimes I just want to curl over and let the world run me over… I get motivated to fight back, turn my life around but what’s the point? Really what’s the point? I’m not special. There are millions of people around the world that have worse lives than I do… what makes me different from them. What’s the point in fighting back? The world is sick and twisted. No one really cares, everyone is just out to get theirs in the here and now. Everyone’s yapping but no one’s listening.
Then I hear people telling me, ‘oh don’t worry just pray to God and he’ll answer’. Listen, Syrians were murdered by the thousands and God never even lifted a finger. Hell the world at large, politicians didn’t lift a finger. We watched people get slaughtered, women and children but we justified it away because they pray to a different God. Their God didn’t save them and your God didn’t save them. What about the hundred of innocent people gunned down every year, or the millions dying from cancer or some other tormenting disease. So who the fuck am I praying to exactly? Oh right you’re only praying for a personal fortune or praying for your football team to win some bullshit game that doesn’t matter in the great scheme of things.
You got a new job today, you got a raise, you made x amount of dollars and you proclaim thank God for answering my prayers, I am blessed… See God work… etc. How come I’m not seeing God work where it counts? Or is your God more interested in you just buying a new house while millions languish away in skidrow. You praise God for the wealth you amass but fail to use that wealth to help other. Fuck that, if that’s your religion I don’t want it.
Thousands of innocent people like me get ripped out of our lives and tossed in prison, to be mistreated, abused and raped… where was God? But Ehrich you got released, that’s a miracle… but what about the countless others like me that didn’t get released, that were killed for no reason? I just got fucking lucky and frankly my luck feels like a curse on some days.
I think in society today God is only relevant to our comfort and amassing possession and wealth but with the real issues, the real injustices, he couldn’t care less and the rest of us sure as hell ain’t lifting a finger.
… Fuck I need to sleep…
I thought about smoking, to relax me… but I don’t believe in doing drugs… but yes I do mushrooms. That’s different… you think it’s a contradiction… no it’s not… maybe it is but that’s my code and I choose to live by it. I take mushroom for a spiritual healing… it’s a process and a journey I’m currently on. I’ll say I’m better off now than I was a year ago or two but still have a long way to go. Putting any other substance in my body will only poison the process, even an aspirin.
So here I sit just hoping sleep visits me tonight. I want to feel her warm breath on my lips. I want to feel her seduction, her passion her warm embrace around my cold body. I want to lay with her and let her show me the delight of her ways and stay the night… 7 hours maybe even 8… I promise to make her breakfast if she stays. But she never does. She doesn’t even know where I live or even know that I exists or maybe she does and just wants to punish me for past transgressions.
…I need to fucking sleep… fuck…
Do I scare you? Am I making you uncomfortable? You know you’ve asked yourself all these questions before… I just have the balls to actually put them out in the world. What are we all doing here anyway? I think we’re all looking for a connection. We’re alone, lonely, looking for validation… Looking to belong… Looking for anything that fills that black hole that torments us at every waking and dormant moment.
So we fill our time with distractions– social media– drugs– sports– entertainment– sex– shopping… that’s what we’re good at, distracting ourselves because if left with our thoughts we have to face our mortality and realize that our end is lingering behind us, ready to snatch us away… question is where do we go after that. Do you believe in Heaven? Why… or Hell? Why? Have you seen it, you believe it exists because of stories you’ve heard since childhood? Ask yourself the hard questions and if you’re truly convinced then good but then again you’ve probably never had to ask yourself the hard questions because you’re afraid that you don’t have enough faith to face the uncertainty that comes with questioning your life long beliefs.
…Sleep put me out of my fucking misery.