I worked with Tara for almost two years. She was smart– not necessarily the most natural homicide detective but she was very detailed and thorough. She was all about precision which I appreciated. We balanced each other out. I guess that’s why you need a partner, to make up for your own deficiencies.

I don’t claim to be perfect. I have my flaws and they are probably more glaring that most. During the trial it came up that were having an affair– that’s true. I was married at the time. If you want blame me for being a shitty husband I’ll accept it. I put that on myself. But the media claiming that I killed Tara to cover up my affair is complete bullshit and makes me fucking angry.

Truth is I never lied to my wife about my affair. She never asked. If she asked I would have told her the truth. I’d never insult her intelligence and try to hide it from her in that way. ¬†Marriages are complicated, even more so when the two people involved are beyond fucked up. ¬†Courtney was doing her thing too and she preferred not to know. If we didn’t talk about it, it didn’t exist. Is it healthy? Probably not but it worked. We have a son together and we were committed to make our marriage work in our own way. You don’t have to understand it but that’s our truth.

Anyway when I met Tara she was a bit green. Our relationship started of like a mentor, mentee type situation but eventually it developed. Like most affairs it just sort of happened. There was something about her that consumed me. She was the first person in a very long time that I considered pure. When I say pure I mean she genuinely cared about being good and doing good. You read this and I know that you’re thinking but she was working for internal affairs and was also sleeping with a married man, how can she be good… Well I’ve thought about that. When I was on death row that’s all I did to the point of insanity and I realized that she was just doing her job. Her job was one thing– that’s the domain of her brain. Her heart was something else that she shared with me. She knew I was married but she also knew that I loved my wife in same way that I loved a cousin or an aunt. It wasn’t romantic. It hadn’t been that way in a long time.

The affair started about a year into our partnership. We made it work. Sometimes there were complications but since when was life not complicated. We’re fucking adults, you just barrell through that shit because it’s worth it. Human beings we’re obsessed with our own comfort but you know what, sometimes comfort is not in the cards.

I’m going to be completely honest with you, the few days leading up to her death was rough. There were rumbles that she may be working with IA. I was upset, mad as hell. I felt like everything we had experienced up to that point was a fucking lie. Remember I said she was pure and I wanted to believe that. I had to believe that, nothing else around me was pure I needed something to anchor me and she was it. We argued, I said things and she still didn’t admit she was with IA… then the night of her murder she called me and told me we had to talk. Her tone was different. She sounded like a completely different person. She sounded dark and distant. I went to her house and her car was in the driveway and the door was open. She never left the door open, she was a bit paranoid in that way. So instantly I knew something was wrong. I pulled out my gun and walked in…

FUCK

 

FUCK

 

FUCK…

 

I worked homicide for 9 years. Nothing was new to me but when it’s someone you care for a in a profound way… I still have nightmares from that night. I see what was left of her face and it haunts me.

I can’t tell you what happened after that, it was all a haze. Police showed up at some point. I don’t remember calling it in, I don’t remember answering question… By the time my mind settled I was sitting in a cell and was the prime suspect.

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